A Restless Soul

I was laying here in bed in the dark listening to my heart beat - It's 3:18 a.m. Thoughts have been ruminating through my head at light speed, as if caught in a temporal loop with no awareness of their repetitive state. I was repeating spelling every letter in the alphabet, phonetically of course; "A -- a, B -- bee, C -- see (or sea or cee). Last night it was word association: twitter, bird, jay, Murry, pal, friends, introvert, inside my head, song, big wreck...  Totally  f#&*ed up or what!?

Is this my fate? Am I destined to live a life where panic and obsession rule my life? I swear, just when I thought things were going good, "WHAM!" their back again. I hate the feeling of anxiety, but I sometimes think the obsessive thoughts are worse. Obsessions exhaust my mind usually at night when I should be sound asleep. No wonder I am feeling tired, cranky and not rested this past week.

I am trying not to invest too much emotional attention to this matter yet because this might only be a passing phase. (For anyone who has been reading my blog entries over the past year you may recall me being absent for some time due to panic, anxiety, and OCD.) Perhaps my mom was right; she would often tell me I had a restless soul, after many sleepless nights in my teen years were spent cleaning and re sorting my bedroom or stay up until the wee hours clicking away on my old green Hermes typewriter (remember those?).

So here I sit...

Can anyone tell me how do you sooth a "restless soul"?

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January Blues

January makes me miserable.

Misery oozes out

making everyone around me miserable too

(misery loves company)

I want to travel to someplace,

anyplace warm,

but I'm far too cheap frugal

so a trip it out of the question.

It's impossible to buy good fruit in January.

Another thing about January:

I really DISLIKE football.

Is the sky really fallin'

I've been quite distracted these days. Almost everything happening around me lately seems like a huge life altering event (cue the violins piano). To tell you the truth, it's all leaving me a little breathless and speechless (over reacting as usual).

Our oldest daughter's heart condition has returned. She has been wearing a loop monitor for the past week, so she can record any rhythm disturbance she experiences. And on top of that, Hubby and I are in the midst of dealing with an issue that has inadvertently led to another issue (involving a lawyer) we must attend to right away - all so cryptic, I know, but hopefully I will be able to divulge all the sorted details in a week or two (I really need to vent!).

I didn't go out to snap any photos, I just sat home all weekend in my pj's wearing a perpetual scowl on my face, sulking in a corner all weekend. This is one personality trait I have down pat; wallowing in self pity, feeling sorry for myself. It's a pity party and your all invited. . . WOOT! You bring the cheese and I'll supply the (wa wa) whine.

I'm throwing a pity party...

and your all invited
I opened up Facebook last night and my news feed was full of photos of people on vacation in the Caribbean, a family members cruise update, then two others (my sister and sister-in-law) chatting about their upcoming trip to an exotic destination (reason for not asking me to go along was lame at best), then it happened; resentment/jealousy/envy started building up inside me then I exploded, spewing forth negativity and nastiness. What the HELL is wrong with me? Is just that cabin fever has set in, have I totally lost it or am I just becoming a bitter, judgmental person, hating on everyone's happiness and good fortune? GAH! Today I am trying to wipe these feelings out of my mind, but am having a hard time doing it - I keep boiling in this disgusting emo stew.

"Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you" ~Norman Vincent Peale

How do yo deal with strong emotions of resentment, jealousy and/or envy?


{special thanks to my niece for being my hand model}

Little Pink Pills...

are for my sanity

Things that suck today:

20 cm of snow

The Vue lost her drive-shaft

Snow

Cancellation of hair appointment because of snow

Sore throat

Scratchy eyes

Snow

Headache

A loaner that's not 4wheel-drive

Snow

In a perfect world, I would crawl back into bed and sleep 'till Friday.

{melodramatic enough for ya?}

Halifax today at sunrise -- Halifax today at 1pm
(screen shots from The very best views of Halifax/pills via stock.xchng)

Have you seen me? I've looked everywhere

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both. And be one traveler, long I stood, And looked down one as far as I could"...
-Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

I have been thinking long and hard about what my purpose is now my kids are becoming less and less dependent on me. I feel an insecurity in my gut and have no real sense of direction lately... Seems I have reached a crossroads.

Why have not prepared for this?

...what a tale my thoughts could tell

I think I think too often.
I think that pisses my husband off!
I think I take too much for granted.
I think my children are beautiful.
I think about the future a lot.
I think life is too short.
I think this post is complete crap.
I think you should stop reading this.
I think you should move on to something more interesting.
I think people need to smile more.
I think people need to stop bitching over petty little things.
I think my daughter should wait six month before moving out.
I think I have a hard time letting go.
I think it is time for a hair cut... and a colour.
I think I should exercise more.
I think, I think, I think too often.

Moody Monday

Gray has filled the sky and has somehow seeped into me. I am a little surprised at how easily my moods can change lately. It all started with a night of thoughts. Fear and anxiety took over and I barely slept last night, just thought. Thought about the past but mostly the future. This week is a big week for us, well mostly for hubby but it will have an affect the whole family. I need to be in "support" mode right now so I will try to bottle up all of this anxiety I am feeling, and toss it far into the sea.

The ants in my pants made me dance

Yes, the ant was literally in my pants biting my thigh. I was sitting here at the computer when I felt these painful little pinches on my leg. I frantically jumped out of the chair, rolling over my toe and crushing it. Now my toe is bloody and purple and my thigh smarts from the ant bites.

These little pests have invaded my home. They find any little nook and cranny to get inside. Right now they have made a trail from my kitchen window to my counter tops looking for food. I keep spraying them with Raid home and garden, but it only helps keep them away for a few hours. I hate using strong bug spray, but that works better than those silly little ant traps that do absolutely nothing.

I think I will just do what I did last year and put out little bowls with honey or syrup out in the garden -- which did keep them from coming into my house to look for food. Any other suggestions would be appreciated!

28 days and counting

I’ve been having a blogging mental block for the past week and a bit. There have been so many things happening but whenever I sit down to blog - I am unable to write.

Today is 28 days smoke free, and I wish I could say I felt wonderfully fantastic, but I can’t. I must admit, the first two weeks were a breeze, I was positive quitting was going to be a cake walk. On week 3 I started to get irritable, the insomnia started and I was having some anxiety. Week 4, I have been a total mess. I'm feeling just so bummed out - depressed, one might even say. I am having awful anxiety attacks for no apparent reason, and still can't sleep. Aren’t you supposed to gradually feel better after you stop smoking, not gradually worse??? Hubby thinks it's time I go see my doctor and I think he may be right.

Hey! You don't own the road

Surely you've noticed it’s closing in on summer. The mercury shoots up to 10 degrees Celsius and the city goes mad. Men shed their jackets to show their muscles and strut around town, women all decked out in their summer dresses and cute little sandals. The crotch-rocket motorcycle dudes zoom by, ripping holes in ear drums with their noisy exhausts. And the Hummers and giant SUV-types take over the (all ready cramped) Halifax streets. I know they were here all winter, I guess I’m just noticing them more because of the patio’s that food establishment construct that take up half the street, leaving little room for road traffic (another thing that irritates the hell our of me). The SUV’ers are cruising around the city, cutting people off, parking wherever they like, they think because they are bigger, they rule the road. Well, I’m getting sick of it! People, you live in a tiny little city – This is Halifax, not Toronto!

Driving a giant SUV is the vehicular equivalent of jumping up and down on a busy street screaming LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! Driving one every day is like an Ad nauseam re-enactment of standing up through the sun roof of a stretch limo going 50 clicks down Spring Garden Road screaming "Woo! Yeah baby!"—the thing you imagined was the coolest possible thing to do when you were 10.

The megalomaniacs who drive huge vehicles revel in their environmental punishment. It's not that they're ignorant of their impact and excesses; it's simply that they don't give a shit. That is the SUV Motto...I can haul it right up over the curb and squash you like a little bug! I can burn $100 in gas in a day or two! No one can stop me! Woo Hoo! Yeah baby!

Photo and video courtesy of FAH2

A garden - not a litter box

I don't have any cats but I constantly have to clean up after my neighbors’ cats that freely roam the neighborhood. I have seen at least 5 cats occasionally in my yard and have no idea whose cats they are, but they all look pretty well taken care of so I don't believe they are strays. The little buggers are using my flowerbeds as a giant litter box, and the smell is really bad in the area around my front step and it is becoming very annoying. I'm so disgusted!

I do believe that my city has a "Cat by-law" in place that states, all cat owners must register their beloved felines and place a tag around a collar. I don't see any of the cats in my neighborhood wearing tags, so there is no way for me to know exactly whose cat is using my yard as a loo.

I don't blame the cats; they are only doing what comes naturally to them. I blame their owners, who obviously have little respect for their fellow neighbors.

Dear Ciggies,

Today I must say good-bye; for it is the last time I will ever smoke you. You have been there for me during the good times, the bad times. I will miss you at first, but as time passes, you will fade from my memories - hopefully!

Tomorrow is quit day. Hubby and I picked the date a while back, we were told it's much easier to quite if you pick a date and stick to it. I have quite smoking before, this will be my third try and you know what they say - third time's a charm or third time lucky.
Wish me luck!

Overloaded by Laundry

Today I'm slightly pissed-off with myself that I caved in and am doing every ones laundry. Three weeks ago I decided I was no longer going to be a slave to the washer and dryer and make Hubby and the kids do their own wash (it's not too much to ask, is it???). Well, I kept my end of the bargain, I wash my own laundry, do the towels and bedding etc., but I was the only one. The pile is massive!!! And I'm not exaggerating! I started washing on Sunday and today is Wednesday, I might be half way to the summit of Mt. Filthyclothes.

(I would have taken a photo of the pile, but I would have been too embarrassed for anyone to see)

Cartoon courtesy of Dave Walker at We Blog Cartoons.

In another three - maybe four, five days I will be finished, and my house will be back to ‘normal’ (and I use the term loosely). But for now I have taken up residence down in the dungeon. I am permitted to come up ever so often for food and drink. There is little dialog, just my ranting and raving like a madwoman.

I'm seriously considering charging the older two kids and the Hubby for every load I do of theirs - $5 a load, wash dried and folded.

What's this Bitch so happy about???

Oxymorons A-J

ALMOST NEVER
BAD SEX
CLEARLY CONFUSED
DEATH BENEFITS
EXACT OPPOSITE
FREE WITH PURCHASE
GIANT SHRIMP
HOLY HELL
INSIDE OUT
JUSTIFIABLE PARANOIA

I know, I know, I got nothing! It must be this enormous brain cloud that has been fogging up my head all morning.

---

Possible reasons for such a massive brain fog are:

Hunger - In my BPA frenzied state yesterday, I tossed out everything in the house worth eating. The only thing worthwhile in the refrigerator is beer, and it's much too early for that.

Or...The government found out that I have figured out their superior race plan, and scrambled my brain waves. (Must look for instructions for constructing a tin foil hat to stop them from controlling my mind) hehehe!

Black Helicopters - BPA scare

I must say, I am a little freaked out with the whole BPA scare here in Canada. At first I figured it was overblown but after reading more about it and seeing numerous news reports on the TV this week, it's really starting to worry me.

I came up with a theory the other night while discussing the topic with the family - Our Government, drug companies and physicians are all in cahoots, sick people=$$. Or perhaps our government is trying to create a superior race, a race with big breasted women and men with giant testicals. (I realize there are some flaws to my theories, they are a work in progress)
My husband is laughing at me, asking me if I've been seeing black helicopters following me.
(this is all in jest people, please don't contact the men in the white coats just yet)

What is BPA?
Bisphenol-A is the starting material for polycarbonate plastic. The most common trade name for it is Lexan. It is showing up in plastics, cosmetics, bottled drinking water, food containers and a variety of other mediums.

Bisphenol A is considered one of the most hazardous chemicals presently in use. BPA has been shown to interfere with more than 200 genes. At some of the very lowest doses, studies found that BPA caused permanent alterations of breast and prostate cells that precede cancer, insulin resistance (linked to diabetes), and chromosomal damage linked to recurrent miscarriage and a wide range of birth defects including Downs Syndrome.

Environmental Defense Canada has called on the government to ban Bisphenol A immediately. Dr. Rick Smith, Executive Director of Environmental Defense argues, “The case for a federal ban on this chemical has never been stronger.” Smith notes that the chemical management process will take years to come to a conclusion about BPA, during which time Canadians will continue to be exposed to it.

Things like this scare the living shit out of me!
Today you will find me sifting though all our plastic containers and ridding my cupboards of products that may be questionable - I'm going back to the basics people. I might even consider moving to the country, growing my own organic produce and raise my own chickens.
(Hubby, don't have a kitten - I'm not quite to that point... yet!)

Links:
Environmental Health Association of Nova Scotia
Globe and Mail
Environmental Defence

Weekend updates:

Friday night mini-midlife meltdown

I decided to do absolutely nothing Friday night. Sitting in the living room flipping though some old decorating magazine I came to a section of pages I had dog-eared a long time ago. It was photos of a newly decorated living room, dinning room and kitchen. I loved (and still do) the look of these rooms, and since first seeing them ages ago when I purchased the magazine, I had dreams of making my home look like the home in the article. Then I started thinking about all the things I thought I should have at this point in my life - but don't. And because this is how my crazy mind has been functioning lately, thoughts of mortality and what I've accomplished in life flooded my head. I spend a lot of time lately angry, depressed, or frustrated with my lack of a sense of purpose/social skills/preparation for our financial future/my home/lack of career/and material things I've always wanted. I got mad at Hubby for not being worried enough about our future. And picked at him so much in bed, that he went and slept on the sofa. Needless to say – neither of us got good nights sleep.
If this is the beginning of a mid-life crisis then pass the Prozac please, I think I'm going to need it!!!

Saturday is a blur

Saturday I wasn't in the mood for much. Did a little shopping and ran some errands with Hubby and before I knew it the day was over. I was still in a mood but not to the extent of Fridays.

Sunday is looking up

Feeling Friday's funk slowly disappear, we went to the market and picked up some goodies for a BBQ - our first this season. It was a nice change from the usually boring Sunday roast.


Ps: Thanks to Hubby who made such a delicious meal, including the biscuits for the shortcakes...Yummy!

To Hell in a Handcart

Today is turning to shit at an alarming fast and furious rate. I want to crawl back into my bed, pull the covers over my head and disappear for the rest of the day - ahhh, if only.

Baby Girl's anxiety attacks are getting worse and her moods are inconsistent these last few days - happy, sad, worried, happy again. I fear she's slipping into a depressive state so I've contacted her Neurologist and am impatiently waiting for his office to call back with an appointment time. They are always so booked up and very rarely will take you right away, sometimes it takes weeks, even months to get in to see him. This is one of the pitfalls of having a "free" health care system- you get what you get.

Miss Priss has an appointment to see a Rheumatoid Arthritis Specialist today, and wants me to go in with her. I didn't even know that people get Rheumatoid Arthritis at age 20, apparently they can, even younger but it is rare. Now to add a little more drama to poor Priss' life, she just received a phone call from her Cardiologist telling her she needs to be seen by him ASAP. When it rains it pours!

Two years ago she collapsed at her job and was rushed to the ER where they discovered she had a cardiac condition call WPW, or a short circuit in her heart - A ticking time bomb. She had a procedure called an ablation, where they (sort of) cauterize the abnormal electrical pathway. That was successful but she is now experiencing some tachyarrhythmia again which may be cause for some concern.

Now I'm a panicky mess! Priss on the other hand, appears to be cool, calm and collective - she gets that from her father.

Don't worry dear - it's all in your head

Palpitations - a pounding heart, or an accelerated heart rate - Sweating - Trembling or shaking - Shortness of breath - A choking sensation - Chest pain or discomfort - Nausea or stomach cramps - De-realization (a feeling of unreality) - Fear of losing control or going crazy - Fear of dying - Numbness or a tingling sensation - Chills or hot flashes …some symptoms of a panic or anxiety disorder attack.

Imagine having anyone of these anxiety symptoms. Then add to that, Obsessive Compulsive disorder and Tourettes in the mix. Just one of these disorders alone is hard enough for any one to deal with but imagine someone who has all of the above, and that someone is only 15.

My 15-year-old Daughter has Tourettes, Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive disorders. She very smart, does well in school and has a tremendous talent when it comes to the arts. She sings, writes music, plays piano, bass guitar and guitar, draws, and has taken it upon herself to learn Japanese. I believe there is nothing this kid can't do - including learning to cope and deal with her anxiety.

This morning baby girl was having an obvious panic attack about going to school. Being late as usual, there wasn't a whole lot of time to discuss what was causing her anxiety, so I quickly tried to address the issue she was having, wiped away her tears and sent her out the door. My first instincts as a mother are to protect my children and keep them safe. It's hard for me to see my daughter in so much pain and so scared and not be able to help her.

I'm sitting here worried sick about her, to the point of obsessing (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree you see). Sure the phone will ring, positive she will call before the school day is over. Hoping she will be able to work through the anxiety all on her own but – knowing deep down, this is only the beginning.

You may think it's funny, but it's snot

Sitting at my desk yesterday I noticed a peculiar smear trailing down the rail of the stairwell that leads to my second floor. As I sat here staring at the odd stain on the wall, it occurred to me what it was - "Ewww grosse! Is that SNOT"?! I hurry to the bathroom to get a pair of latex gloves, some bleach, and a sponge. I spray and scrub, gagging all the while, wondering which one of my pretty little nieces left this little green gift for me? I wonder how many dried-crusted gifts they leave on their own walls at home? Eww Eww Eww! It's surprising how hard it is to remove dried snot and boogies stuck to a wall. I'm scrubbing for all I'm worth and the spot does vanish but it takes some of the paint with it.

Why, why, why do children do this sort of thing, don't they realize how totally disgusting it is? I tried to remember a time when I had to clean up dried snot that was left by my own children when they were younger, but I don't think I ever had to - perhaps they just found better hiding spots!

So now what? I'm sitting here right now trying to decide whether or not to confront the two *boogie* monsters when they come over later today. I'm sure neither would admit to such a disgusting act. They would both deny doing it and blame the other and I'm sure it will turn into a yelling match between the two. Maybe I’ll just give them a simple hygiene lesson, explaining how wiping bodily fluids on walls and other objects, is impolite (and utterly f@#$ing disgusting). Then teach them how to use a tissue.