Between wakefulness and sleep I enter a world of shadows, a kaleidoscope of coloursfall from my ceiling

"Only when I am on the brink of sleep,
with the consciousness that I am so..."

Edgar Allan Poe

When I was really young, like maybe four or five, I can remember being afraid to sleep alone because I believed there were magical gnomes living under my bed.  At night they would create their magic and make my  bed float up to the ceiling, 'till my nose seemed like it would touch it if I stretched my neck just a little.  I never told anyone this that I can remember. Not my siblings, or my mom or dad, not a single soul until now.

In my late 20's, early 30's I would sometimes experience sleep paralysis.  These things are pretty darn creepy.  It's sort of like dreaming while you are awake.  I would wake up and see something in the corner of the room, it looked like the plaster was peeling on the walls and someone was peeping in at me.  I would get a feeling of urgency that I had to get up and turn on the light, but I couldn't move.  I felt totally paralyzed.  I finally got up the courage to ask my family doctor about it and she explained it something like this: On the edge of your REM  sleep your brain activity is greatly increased and you eye movement and breathing becomes erratic. It is in your rem sleep that you dream, so in order to keep you from flailing around while you dream your muscles become paralyzed.  And if you wake up going into a REM sleep, you can be paralyzed and have dreams while you are in a semi-awake state.  This is called a  hypnagogic hallucinations.
"So I'm not going insane after all!"  - sigh of relief!
I was certain my doc. would be ready to call the men in the white coats to come and take me away for sure. 

Lately, the past six weeks or so, I have been having hypnagogic hallucinations again, only I have been seeing shadows of people, lights that fade across my walls, and a kaleidoscope of tiny coloured lights that bounce around my room like a multi coloured light hitting a disco ball.  Although I know there is nothing to fear, I always come out of it with my heart beating like a jack hammer.  Needless to say I am sleep deprived, on edge and quite cranky in the mornings.  I am about to ask my doctor for something to make this go away. 

There!  I really needed to vent tonight.
Thanks for listening,

Tuesday Ten: 10 things that make me happy today

Family

Hot tea

Empty dirty laundry hamper

An organized linen closet

 A cuddle with the Kitten

Mini Eggs

+ temperatures

Fluffy clouds

Polaroid cameras + film

Making a delicious chicken soup from ingredients on hand

What is making you happy today?

... on the bright side

 I've been feeling really disconnected lately. I feel as if I have no idea of my own reality -- if that makes any sense... Possibly these feelings stem from being so worried about my youngest daughter and her situation and feeling like I am so helpless to be able to fix what is wrong.  Mothers are suppose to do that arn't they? They are suppose to make it all better and right now I don't know how to do that.

I'm trying hard to remind myself that that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, and usually I have found that to be true.

On the bright side...
the sun was shining today,
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A Restless Soul

I was laying here in bed in the dark listening to my heart beat - It's 3:18 a.m. Thoughts have been ruminating through my head at light speed, as if caught in a temporal loop with no awareness of their repetitive state. I was repeating spelling every letter in the alphabet, phonetically of course; "A -- a, B -- bee, C -- see (or sea or cee). Last night it was word association: twitter, bird, jay, Murry, pal, friends, introvert, inside my head, song, big wreck...  Totally  f#&*ed up or what!?

Is this my fate? Am I destined to live a life where panic and obsession rule my life? I swear, just when I thought things were going good, "WHAM!" their back again. I hate the feeling of anxiety, but I sometimes think the obsessive thoughts are worse. Obsessions exhaust my mind usually at night when I should be sound asleep. No wonder I am feeling tired, cranky and not rested this past week.

I am trying not to invest too much emotional attention to this matter yet because this might only be a passing phase. (For anyone who has been reading my blog entries over the past year you may recall me being absent for some time due to panic, anxiety, and OCD.) Perhaps my mom was right; she would often tell me I had a restless soul, after many sleepless nights in my teen years were spent cleaning and re sorting my bedroom or stay up until the wee hours clicking away on my old green Hermes typewriter (remember those?).

So here I sit...

Can anyone tell me how do you sooth a "restless soul"?

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This Is Not a Resolution

• have more family gatherings
• start a new hobby or get back into an old hobby
• arrange more girly-girl things with my two daughters
• take a special trip just hubby and me
• make some changes in the blog
• start a p/t job and make some "fun" money
• challenge myself to step outside my box
• make my home more enviro-friendly
• make healthier food choices
• read more books

What are some things you would like to accomplish in 2011?
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End of the week ramble{Because I need to vent}

Into the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, I am always confounded by the frenzy that is associated with the Christmas holiday. These last few weeks I have been like a sponge, soaking up a lot of the negative energy from other people around me. Everywhere I go, the sights and sounds and smells of Christmas are in the air. I wish people would just slow down just a little and enjoy the holiday season.

This past week flew by, as we prepared for our own holiday time at our house. David and I are hosting this years work party this weekend, either I'm frantically cleaning the house or trying to keep it clean, or baking and preparing a menu for the party. The tree is all decorated with hundreds of glittering white lights and the only the prettiest adornments and raffia bows that hang delicately from every odd branch. I think it is breathtakingly beautiful (but I am just a tad biased).

As we move farther into this holiday season, my only hope is that I will be able to keep my cool and not cave under all the pressure, and to keep a smile on my face even when times get the most hectic.

One other thing happened earlier this week that put us all in a tizzy. My Father-in-law fell ill having a minor stroke and scaring all of us to tears. He is feeling better and stronger every day, but now the life he knows will have to drastically change if he wishes to live the rest of his life healthy and happy --and we want him around for many more years to come-- we are blessed to have him with us. It's times like this I feel blessed to have my friends, my family, this life. There are many twists and turns life tends to throw our way which we must deal with whether we like it or not. We must keep on your toes and be aware of our surrounding because you never know what little surprise life has in store for you.

Are you ready to take on anything? Are you thankful for everyday you have on this earth?
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Random Thoughts

It's a glorious Wednesday here on the East Coast. The sun is shining, there is a gentle breeze blowing and all is good. Here are some random thoughts for this Wednesday:

-Most song I love make me feel good.

-Certain genres of music make me want to poke out my eardrums, such as most Country music and Opera -- however, there are some Operas I do truly enjoy, two of them are; The Rabbit of Seville and What's Opera, Doc?

Elmer Fudd: I'll kill the wabbit! Awise storm! North wind bwow! South wind bwow! Huwwicanes! Typhoons! Earthquakes! *Smog!*

Bugs: O mighty warrior of great fighting stock. Might I inquire to ask, ehh, what's up Doc?
(Oh my, those two crack me up!)

-Music, like Art, can inspire us and affect us all in a multitude of ways.

So tonight I think I will put on some vinyl, poor a glass of vino, relax and let the music inspire me.

Here is the link to watch The Rabbit of Seville and What's Opera Doc?

Random Thoughts

I'm sitting here on this gray Wednesday morning sipping my tea, waiting for Hubby to return from work. Yes, he was suppose to have this week off but something came up that the other technicians couldn't handle, so he was called in - ahhhh, what can ya do?

Like most Wednesdays, I don't have much to post so here are some random thoughts:

All good things must end, and nothing lasts forever...
It's nice to sit back, and just listen and watch...
Go with what you feel...
Sometimes people can surprise you...
I'm comfortable being myself...