Between wakefulness and sleep I enter a world of shadows, a kaleidoscope of coloursfall from my ceiling

"Only when I am on the brink of sleep,
with the consciousness that I am so..."

Edgar Allan Poe

When I was really young, like maybe four or five, I can remember being afraid to sleep alone because I believed there were magical gnomes living under my bed.  At night they would create their magic and make my  bed float up to the ceiling, 'till my nose seemed like it would touch it if I stretched my neck just a little.  I never told anyone this that I can remember. Not my siblings, or my mom or dad, not a single soul until now.

In my late 20's, early 30's I would sometimes experience sleep paralysis.  These things are pretty darn creepy.  It's sort of like dreaming while you are awake.  I would wake up and see something in the corner of the room, it looked like the plaster was peeling on the walls and someone was peeping in at me.  I would get a feeling of urgency that I had to get up and turn on the light, but I couldn't move.  I felt totally paralyzed.  I finally got up the courage to ask my family doctor about it and she explained it something like this: On the edge of your REM  sleep your brain activity is greatly increased and you eye movement and breathing becomes erratic. It is in your rem sleep that you dream, so in order to keep you from flailing around while you dream your muscles become paralyzed.  And if you wake up going into a REM sleep, you can be paralyzed and have dreams while you are in a semi-awake state.  This is called a  hypnagogic hallucinations.
"So I'm not going insane after all!"  - sigh of relief!
I was certain my doc. would be ready to call the men in the white coats to come and take me away for sure. 

Lately, the past six weeks or so, I have been having hypnagogic hallucinations again, only I have been seeing shadows of people, lights that fade across my walls, and a kaleidoscope of tiny coloured lights that bounce around my room like a multi coloured light hitting a disco ball.  Although I know there is nothing to fear, I always come out of it with my heart beating like a jack hammer.  Needless to say I am sleep deprived, on edge and quite cranky in the mornings.  I am about to ask my doctor for something to make this go away. 

There!  I really needed to vent tonight.
Thanks for listening,

Things I have learned through Therapy

Some discussions must have limitations put on them. Other times it's just important to sit and listen, say nothing and offer support. Then there are those which we must discuss in length giving our opinions weather they are received or rejected (and do not to take rejection personally).

I am learning a lot of useful information that I wish I had learned long ago as a parent of three children.

 

(image by Charles M. Schulz)

Just curious...

Do you always carry your camera with you?

I See The Bad Moon Arising

I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin'.
I see bad times today. - John Fogerty

 

Some people say their bodies, and mind is effected by a full moon.  We know that the moon has a great effect on bodies of water on the planet Earth, so take into consideration that the human body is made up mostly of water -  60-70% - then the moon should have some sort of effect on us, right?

Well Saturday March 19th there will be a "Supermoon". It will be about 14 per cent bigger and 30 per cent brighter than normal, according to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.  What do you think?  Do you think the full moon has an effect on you?  And if so, in what way?

A Restless Soul

I was laying here in bed in the dark listening to my heart beat - It's 3:18 a.m. Thoughts have been ruminating through my head at light speed, as if caught in a temporal loop with no awareness of their repetitive state. I was repeating spelling every letter in the alphabet, phonetically of course; "A -- a, B -- bee, C -- see (or sea or cee). Last night it was word association: twitter, bird, jay, Murry, pal, friends, introvert, inside my head, song, big wreck...  Totally  f#&*ed up or what!?

Is this my fate? Am I destined to live a life where panic and obsession rule my life? I swear, just when I thought things were going good, "WHAM!" their back again. I hate the feeling of anxiety, but I sometimes think the obsessive thoughts are worse. Obsessions exhaust my mind usually at night when I should be sound asleep. No wonder I am feeling tired, cranky and not rested this past week.

I am trying not to invest too much emotional attention to this matter yet because this might only be a passing phase. (For anyone who has been reading my blog entries over the past year you may recall me being absent for some time due to panic, anxiety, and OCD.) Perhaps my mom was right; she would often tell me I had a restless soul, after many sleepless nights in my teen years were spent cleaning and re sorting my bedroom or stay up until the wee hours clicking away on my old green Hermes typewriter (remember those?).

So here I sit...

Can anyone tell me how do you sooth a "restless soul"?

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Scent Recall

---

a light breeze 

came in through my bedroom window

a scent

an aroma

of wood smoke 

and wet leaves

took me back to when I was in my youth-- 8-12 years old. Me, my sister and our friends in a clearing in the forest near the pond where we would play for hours on end. Building tree forts, catching frogs, or just lazing about listening to our transistor radio, eating a picnic lunch on a wool blanket.

But this particular scent memory was of late afternoon, mid October. The sun was just starting to set and rays were streaming through the fall foliage lighting the leaves up like jewels -- red, gold, rust... It was my favorite time of the day. We were up in our tree camp, ignoring my parents' shouts to come home, recounting summer gone and making serious plans for winter that was just around the corner. Lounging with our legs dangling over the side of the platform, inhaling the deep aroma of wood-burning stoves and dampening piles of leaves.

It is amazing how a scent can trigger memories so powerfully vivid from decades gone by.

Have you had a recent scent recall? I'd like to hear about it sometime!

---

Hope you all have a wonderful Halloween weekend ♥

Tuesday Ten

{photo of the Grain Elevators I shot from a parking lot off South Bland Street Halifax}

Have you ever Googled your name to see what it came up with?  I got this idea from watching Oprah's show tonight, "A road scholar, a convicted murders: The ultimate twist of fate". The episode was about people who share the same name. So tonight I Googled "Jacqueline Phillips", and the number one search result was for an actress named Jacqueline Phillips who was in a few to movies and TV shows I have never heard of.

My list for Tuesday Ten this week is of the movies and TV shows that Jacqueline Phillips had a roll in:

1. Vigilante (2009/II) .... Sally Kent
2. "Emmerdale Farm" .... Jane Derry (1 episode, 2008)
       - Episode #1.5029 (2008) TV episode .... Jane Derry
3. "55 Degrees North" .... Female Dogger (1 episode, 2004)
       - Episode #1.4 (2004) TV episode .... Female Dogger
4. "Hope & Glory" .... Doctor (1 episode, 2000)
       - Episode #3.6 (2000) TV episode .... Doctor
5. Ghosthunter (2000) .... Anne Hicks
6. "Casualty" .... Ruth / ... (3 episodes, 1997-2000)
       - Being There: Part 2 (2000) TV episode .... Ruth
       - Being There: Part 1 (2000) TV episode .... Ruth
       - What Friends Are For (1997) TV episode .... Streetwoman
7. The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997) .... Annabel
8. "Sharman" .... Bren (2 episodes, 1996)
       - Episode #1.4 (1996) TV episode .... Bren
       - Episode #1.3 (1996) TV episode .... Bren
9. "Wycliffe" .... Janice - SOCO (1 episode, 1996)
       - Crazy for You (1996) TV episode .... Janice - SOCO
10. "Spender" .... Care Assistant (1 episode, 1992)
        - At the End of the Day (1992) TV episode .... Care Assistant

It will be my goal for the coming weeks to watch all 10 shows and movies with the beautiful Jacqueline Phillips in them. Let's see if I am able to pick her out of the cast of actors and actresses. And hey, if any of you have seen these shows or movies, give me a thumbs up or thumbs down would ya?

Do you have a ten for Tuesday?

Thursday Thoughts

*  My son asked me if I believe in fate.  I told him the Jewish story about a sage who had a reputation of being able to answer any question.
One day a boy was determine to prove that the sage couldn't know everything. The lad had an idea to prove the sage was faking so he told everyone to meet him the next afternoon. The next day he caught a small bird, met the sage and said to him:"You say you know everything, well prove it. What am I holding behind my back?"
The sage said: "I didn't say I know everything, but I believe you are holding a bird in your hands."
The boy then decided to ask the sage if the bird was alive or dead. If the sage said "alive," he would crush it and prove him wrong. If he answered "dead," he would set the bird free. Either way, he could prove the sage didn't know everything.
The boy said, "OK, so tell me, is the bird alive or dead?"
The sage replied: "The answer is all in your hands."

*  February 25th! Is it just me, or did February fly by really fast?

*  I'm pondering how I will handle my weekend while I am anxiously awaiting the return of my daughter from her NY road trip.

*  I have tried the medication route for my anxiety --which failed miserably, by the way.  Just wondering if I should consider therapy.

*  My husband never ceases to amaze me.  I truly do appreciate all the love and support he gives this crazy (and getting crazier by the minute) ol' bitch chick.

*  My blog anniversary is coming up soon.

*  It's getting really expensive and time consuming keeping up with the ever-growing grey in my hair.  Maybe I should stop colouring it and just let it grow out.

*  Boy oh Boy!  That was a really great Olympic Hockey game between Canada and Russia.

*  Whoopie Pies.

What thoughts are in your head this Thursday?

...what a tale my thoughts could tell

I think I think too often.
I think that pisses my husband off!
I think I take too much for granted.
I think my children are beautiful.
I think about the future a lot.
I think life is too short.
I think this post is complete crap.
I think you should stop reading this.
I think you should move on to something more interesting.
I think people need to smile more.
I think people need to stop bitching over petty little things.
I think my daughter should wait six month before moving out.
I think I have a hard time letting go.
I think it is time for a hair cut... and a colour.
I think I should exercise more.
I think, I think, I think too often.

I think I think I think a little too often

Saturday Hubby and I were driving around listening to Wintersleep. A song titled "Dead Letter And The Infinite Yes" came on and Hubby suggested I put it on here for my Tuesday tune. He said these lyrics (I think I think I think a little too often) make him think of me.

Hmmmm, what could he possibly be trying to tell me??? Does he think that I think too often or does he think, I think I think too often?
Oh my I'm so confused! (hehe)
I love this song, melody and lyrics so here it is!


Dead Letter And The Infinite Yes

I found a letter it read
"Our existence has serious side effects"
Turned on, turned on the television
It's telling me the world is collapsing
I think it's coming and it comes so fast
I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes
And I don't know why it is
Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad?

And my therapist said
"We've evolved through a series of accidents"
There's been talk of chemical imbalances
Restless sense of detachment, nausea and or violence

I think it's coming and it comes so fast
I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes
And I don't know why it is
I feel it coming, I think it's real and significant
I think I think I think a little too often
That's what my therapist said
We're alone in this wilderness
Left to choke on the pills and to feed on the viruses
I think it's coming and it comes so fast

I think it's coming and it comes so fast
I'm hearing whispers of an infinite yes
Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad
Our bodies are dead, why you look so sad