Hello

I have been neglecting this place as of late, I know. I have been busy keeping my daughter company and comfortable while she is going through a difficult medication change... Some days are diamonds and some are rocks. The door is sometimes open and sometimes blocked, but I'm learning not to take thing personally at this time of change and have been just going with the flow and offering comfort and support when needed.

I wish I could post in more detail about what is going on with The Girl right now, but at this point in time she isn't ready to share certain aspects of her personal life with all who visit my little corner of blogland; perhaps when she is feeling better she will allow it. I truly believe that talking about her personal experiences with mental health could help others who may be going through something similar or know of someone who is.

I would like to thank you all for you kind words of encouragement you leave behind either in my inbox or in the comment area. I am always amazed at the kindness you readers show -I feel so very lucky. Thank you!

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On my down time here at home, I have been finding being creative has been a helpful refuge for me. I've been creating a lot of collage work and making some Photoshop brushes that I hope to share on here tomorrow. Check back if your a Photoshop user, there just might be something in my brushes you might find interesting enough to download and use on your own art collages.

{here is a sneak peek}

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... on the bright side

 I've been feeling really disconnected lately. I feel as if I have no idea of my own reality -- if that makes any sense... Possibly these feelings stem from being so worried about my youngest daughter and her situation and feeling like I am so helpless to be able to fix what is wrong.  Mothers are suppose to do that arn't they? They are suppose to make it all better and right now I don't know how to do that.

I'm trying hard to remind myself that that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, and usually I have found that to be true.

On the bright side...
the sun was shining today,
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Unblogable + Friday Fill-Ins 2011-02

Sorry I haven't been around that much these past couple weeks.  We are dealing with some pretty heavy, un-blogable stuff around here lately.  I am usually not one to hold back when It comes to blogging what's going on around here, but this time it concerns sensitive matters of other involved so for now must be kept under blog lock and key.  So for the time being, memes and games and fluff-posts will be popping up here whenever I find the time to sit and blog.

Friday Fill-Ins are perfect for these sorts of times.  Thank you Janet!

And...here we go!

1. Right now I need A little bit of resolve.

2. Herbal tea is what's in my glass.

3. A copy of this letter to Dr. A and B, the school, and the insurance company.

4. Fudge frosting is best with a spoon.

5. The best movie I've seen lately is the book of Eli (haven't seen many movies lately).

6. Fondant I don't like; butter-cream I love.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to anything as long as it's not sitting at home another evening, tomorrow my plans include usual errand running and Sunday, I want to take a little hike with hubby and a camera!
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A Restless Soul

I was laying here in bed in the dark listening to my heart beat - It's 3:18 a.m. Thoughts have been ruminating through my head at light speed, as if caught in a temporal loop with no awareness of their repetitive state. I was repeating spelling every letter in the alphabet, phonetically of course; "A -- a, B -- bee, C -- see (or sea or cee). Last night it was word association: twitter, bird, jay, Murry, pal, friends, introvert, inside my head, song, big wreck...  Totally  f#&*ed up or what!?

Is this my fate? Am I destined to live a life where panic and obsession rule my life? I swear, just when I thought things were going good, "WHAM!" their back again. I hate the feeling of anxiety, but I sometimes think the obsessive thoughts are worse. Obsessions exhaust my mind usually at night when I should be sound asleep. No wonder I am feeling tired, cranky and not rested this past week.

I am trying not to invest too much emotional attention to this matter yet because this might only be a passing phase. (For anyone who has been reading my blog entries over the past year you may recall me being absent for some time due to panic, anxiety, and OCD.) Perhaps my mom was right; she would often tell me I had a restless soul, after many sleepless nights in my teen years were spent cleaning and re sorting my bedroom or stay up until the wee hours clicking away on my old green Hermes typewriter (remember those?).

So here I sit...

Can anyone tell me how do you sooth a "restless soul"?

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On nights like tonight

Right now I'm listening to the rain beat a rhythm on my windows. The sound is hypnotic and making me sleepy.

Hubby and I just finished dropping our son off at a friends house where they are leaving on a road trip to Montreal, Quebec. Why must my children torture me this way?

Tonight I have a lot on my mind and I thought that maybe I would come on here and just ramble -- let it all out. But when I sat down to vent all my emotions, feelings, the things that I have stored up inside me... the clouds floated on in and my mind went blank. Perhaps tomorrow I will try again.

Sleep tight, and sweet dreams all!

Signs from the Universe & Friday Fill-Ins

The Universe sends me little reminders to my inbox daily.  The timing of today's message was incredible. These thoughts hit way close to home.

"Changing what you have, Jack, comes from changing who you are.
And changing who you are comes from changing what you think.
Which is why I made the latter so easy.

Hey, I think it's Friday...
The Universe

Want to receive notes from the Universe in your inbox?
Click the link below.

---

Now how about some Friday Fill-Ins?
Click the link below to play along.

And...here we go!

1. I just had an epiphany!
2. Wondering what it is?
3. The third sentence on the 7th page of the book I'm reading: "Everybody gets a shit kicking".
4. Spring flowers all in bloom tickles my fancy.
5. I was walking around the yard yesterday with the hubby talking about some landscape ideas.
6. My silly kitten makes me laugh!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging around with David, tomorrow my plans include trying to keep my head about me and Sunday, I want to be in a better state of mind!

Happy weekend all! Enjoy :)

Taking a little break. Need to Reboot

Untitled

My photo archive is enormous; I have few external hard drives filled with photos that I haven't posted on my blog or uploaded to flickr. A lot of the photos deemed by me "unworthy of views", but mostly because different images appeal to me on different days. Anyway, today I have a few photos from my massive stock pile I would like to share. Really I just wanted to post something that might give me a boost today because this week my mood seems to be in a increasing downward spiral. Insomnia, bad dreams of the re-occurring variety -- my subconscious seems to be giving me little clues, and panic attacks -- I won't bore you with all the sorted details about those today. However, tomorrow I may post the dreams just so I can get some insight from you, my beloved readers.

here are the photos.  all monochromatic to match my mood.

Hope you are all having a lovely week!

Another week inside my head

Every time I pass by my reflection today I cringe. I look so tired and slightly frayed around the edges.  I haven't been sleeping all that well the past week.  I've been obsessively worrying again. My oldest daughter is off to NY with a few friends for Spring Break. That isn't all that worrisome, but they have decided to make it a road trip. The drive from Halifax to NY is 900+ Kilometers, a 17 hour drive - Ugh!

I hate obsessing over things I have no control over; it changes me, I become distant, withdrawn and anxiety consumes me.  I get all knotted up inside and the binding that holds me together tightens with each breath; it brings on an uneasy feeling that twists, flutters and eats me up inside.  I wish I wasn't like this.

So this week I will hide in my house, in my room and hide in my obsessive thoughts and worries. Only when she returns home safe and sound will I be able to breath a sigh of relief. It is going to be a very bumpy week folks!

Rainy, Tired Morning

This morning I woke to the soft pitter-patter of rain hitting my window (5 days of rain = 1 blah Jack). I had the hardest time dragging my tired ass out of bed this morning... another night of crazy dreams. This kind of morning is meant to be spent in bed, covering my head with the blankets, listening to the swishing sound made by the cars passing my house. I eventually got up though; did not want to go back to dreaming.

My dream last night was about gruesome creatures chasing me though an unfamiliar dark city. I read somewhere once that chase dreams, often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life - you want to escape from someone or something. What you are suppose to do is stop, turn around and ask your pursuer why they are chasing you and they'll (the monsters of your dreams) give you an answer, but I can never remember to stop and ask what the hell they want. Then again... maybe it's best to not ask and just keep running.

Hope all my American friends had a wonderful Turkey Day filled with yummy treats and good company. Happy Friday and enjoy your weekend everyone!

Dark side of the moon - Dream

I was just over at Gal Friday's blog reading her latest post about a recent dream she had.  She inspired me to write down what I can remember from a freaky dream I had last night.

I believe dreams are our subconscious taking in information, small details that the conscious mind cannot comprehend and telling you through dreams.  What to you think?  Do you believe your dreams have a significant meaning?

Dark Side of The Moon

I am at a cross roads in the woods. A man approaches me from the path on my right, he is dressed in a long leather coat and leather motorcycle boots (his clothing reminds me of Neo from The Matrix).  His face is rough and weathered looking but familiar to me somehow... He reaches out, touches my arm and through telekinesis shows me:

It's night and I’m laying down on a grassy hill top with an old friend from high school. The sky is clear and filled with so many stars... more stars then I have ever seen in my life.  My friend and I are laying shoulder to shoulder gazing into the night sky, then he sits up quickly and runs to the far side of the hill and points down to the city below.  I get up and walk to where he is standing and see what he is point at... The city is in panic and chaos.  There are explosions, fires, car crashes, alarms going off.  I turn to say something to my friend but he is gone and I’m alone. My first thought is "my family",  I run down the hill and go into a building. Inside, I get in an elevator, push the first button "Basement".  The elevator music is "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd:
"...The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more..."
The elevator door slides open and I run out, down the hall to the door at the end of the hallway.  Through the door is a dark pathway leading into the forest.   I run through the door and down the path; it's dark and stormy and I stumble on  rocks and uprooted trees.  The path leads to a crossroads.  A man approaches me from the path to my left -- he is dressed in a white trench coat and white fedora... it's my old high school friend.  I ask him if he has seen my family, he reaches out, touches my arm and shows me the image of me standing on a hill top standing beside him looking down at the burning city.  Then through telekinesis says:

"if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
They'll see you on the dark side of the moon."

Pretty creepy huh?

Tap, Tap, Tapping into Energy Meridians

Emotional Freedom Technique

Last week I was home with my sick teen who was laid  up in bed with the flu so I had plenty of time on my hands.  I have been doing some reading up on EFT for dealing with my recent panic and anxiety attacks (see here).

EFT is a series of tapping on certain points where the qi (energy) flows close to  the skins surface.  As you tap the acupuncture points with your fingers, you repeat a positive mantra:
"Even though I am feeling anxious/panic at this moment, I deeply love and accept myself".  "It's ok that I'm feeling panic about ________, I completely love and accept ALL OF ME anyway".
Then you are suppose to rate the level of anxiety/panic/pain you are feeling - 1-10.  You repeat these steps over and over, until your anxiety (or whatever is going on) level is low or gone.  It is said the tapping works by stimulating certain points (like acupuncture), as a result changing brain patterns by slowing the direction of electrical flow. The affirmation or the mantra,  releases the emotional "charge" that carries the negative feelings — did you understand any of that or did I totally confuse the hell out of you?  Here is a much better explanation of EFT.

So I practiced all week, tapping the pressure points and saying my mantra.  I didn't notice an immediate relief for an attack, however, I did feel more and more relaxed with every round of taps I completed.  Although, I don't know how I would apply this technique out in a public setting — tapping and repeating a mantra might make me look... well, somewhat "off-center" one might say.  Can't you just picture it?... standing in a lineup at the bank/theater/store, tapping various body parts, chanting  under my breath: "... I completely love and accept myself", "...deeply love myself".  Yup, a few crumpets short of a proper tea!

Some helpful EFT links:

• Here is a great blog post at iCiNG about how EFT worked for her.
• Emotional Freedom Technique on Wikipedia.
• World Center for EFT
• Emotional Freedom Techniques to relieve stress on SteadyHealth.com.

If anyone else knows of any good links involving EFT or if you have tried this technique, give me a shout.  I would love to hear if it worked for you or someone you know.

Slightly Off-Center Indeed!

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

- Bene Gesserit’s Litany Against Fear -Dune

I've suffered with panic attacks for as long as I can remember. When I was a child I would get anxiety so bad in the classroom and I would need to excuse myself and hide out in the washroom until the panic passed and I felt "normal again". Of course, being very young I didn't recognized the episode as a panic attack, just thought I was sick or getting sick.

As a teenager I would have frequent panic attacks while in a shopping mall with friends or in the classroom. My natural response to the attack was usually the "fight" (fight or flight) response and I would lash out at teachers or my peers. Because these episodes weren't recognized as panic attacks, I was labeled as a "difficult" or "troubled" student.

In my early 20's a young mother and wife, I had a period of 2 years where I would have really bad attacks. One time I had chocked on something I was eating which triggered a panic attack and as a result I hardly ate a thing for nearly two weeks; food in my mouth would automatically trigger panic and my throat would close up and I would feel I couldn't swallow. Answering the door to strangers would trigger panic so I sit quietly and wait for the caller to go away. Being away from my kids for any long stretch of time would make me incredibly anxious, so I stayed home with them more and more and hardly ever went to to parties or weekends away with my husband.

Now, this all makes it look like I have suffered from panic on a constant basis from a young child to an adult but that is not the case. These periods of panic and anxiety would come on for weeks, months and sometimes even years but would eventually get better and I would resume a "normal life", able to enjoy all that life had to offer.

So this brings me to the reason why I have been away from my blog for so long. Well, as you might have already guessed... They're Back!!! I really have been feeling so lousy this month. I was hoping the panic/anxiety/low mood would diminish over a week or two but no such luck. Last night I had one of the worst panic attacks ever; it came on just out of the blue while I was sitting at home doing some work on the computer. Just recently I had an attack in a restaurant, at the WalMart line, on a Sunday drive up the valley, turned down a trip to New York for fear I would have panic attacks, and the thought of just getting behind the wheel of a car sends my heart racing and makes me weak in the legs.

Two weeks ago after having another -out of blue attack- while sitting in the comfort of my home, I decided I had had enough and needed to get this under control so I called my Doctor and made an appointment. I poured my heart and soul out to my MD with my husband by my side (so supportive... love you babe), convinced that after I was finished spilling my guts, she would call the men in the white coats to come and take me away... (HA HA!). To my surprise, she didn't seem too fazed by anything that I described to her. She diagnosed me with having Panic Disorder which was most likely caused by a Neurotransmitter imbalance, prescribed a trial of Zoloft, ordered some blood work, and an EKG. I stopped taking the Zoloft after the third day because it was making me terribly jittery and irritable but I have been considering giving it another try. My blood work all came back good (except for my thyroid test which came back extremely high which set off some alarm bells considering my thyroid gland should no longer be working... but that's another post) so that pretty much rules out something being physically wrong.

I have been trying so hard not to avoid doing things because it might trigger a panic attack, but it's becoming more and more difficult to do. I am constantly worried about an attack coming on out of the blue, it's exhausting and I find it hard to relax and enjoy myself these days.

Recently I've been getting quite a few emails from readers of Slightly Off-Center wondering where I have been... (you guys are awesome btw). Truth is, I've been wanting to write a post for over a week now but didn't know how to get back into the swing of things. Do I pretend like nothing is wrong and write posts about big fluffy clouds or changing temperatures? I haven't been in the mood to take photos so that leaves those kinds of posts out. Or do I spill my guts and let it all out?
I choose the later, obviously... "Slightly Off-Center" indeed!

Ps. It's good to be back! Thank you all for you kind emails and messages... You rock :)

C'est la vie!

Hello friends. How was your week? Hope it was wonderful.
It's been pretty quiet around here at Slightly Off-Center headquarters these days. Life has been a tad unpredictable for me as of late and I'm finding it difficult to keep up with my little spot here in cyberspace. So, after some careful thought and consideration, I have come to the decision to give my blog a little rest. Oh, I'm not giving it up completely, just putting it to bed for the time being - there are some matters that I need to give my full attention. I need some time to gather my thoughts, reflect, and spend time enjoying my beautiful family. I hope to be back soon, and possibly be able to share some of life's happenings with you all when the time is right.

Thank you all for your support and devotion to Slightly Off-Center, and for your welcome, heartfelt comments, email and messages - you know, they do truly make me smile :)

Sending love, luck and happiness your way,

So Far My Summer...

hasn't been going as planned

I'm really trying to keep my chin up here folks but the weight of everything going on here is falling on me bringing me way down.

These first few weeks of summer have not quite gone the way I planned. First my son got terribly ill with a virus, then we (hubby and myself) hit a big road block while trying to purchase a house, and the icing of the cake would have to be my oldest daughter becoming very ill with meningitis and finding out today that she needs her wisdom teeth removed asap. UGH!!!

Here in Halifax we are going on three weeks of cloud, fog, rain, thunder & lightning, with only a few hours of sun here and there. I think I'm suffering from a lack vitamin D that I usually get from enjoying outdoor activities in the sun, and this is just exasperating my state of mind - My family call it "Eeyore Syndrome" (hehe). I m really looking forward to putting the past four weeks behind me and getting on with my summer plans - be it a slightly edited version.

Hubby and I are waiting for some news early this week, so I hope I will have something good to share soon, instead of all this doom and gloom. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Photos of the things have made me smile this past week

Is the sky really fallin'

I've been quite distracted these days. Almost everything happening around me lately seems like a huge life altering event (cue the violins piano). To tell you the truth, it's all leaving me a little breathless and speechless (over reacting as usual).

Our oldest daughter's heart condition has returned. She has been wearing a loop monitor for the past week, so she can record any rhythm disturbance she experiences. And on top of that, Hubby and I are in the midst of dealing with an issue that has inadvertently led to another issue (involving a lawyer) we must attend to right away - all so cryptic, I know, but hopefully I will be able to divulge all the sorted details in a week or two (I really need to vent!).

I didn't go out to snap any photos, I just sat home all weekend in my pj's wearing a perpetual scowl on my face, sulking in a corner all weekend. This is one personality trait I have down pat; wallowing in self pity, feeling sorry for myself. It's a pity party and your all invited. . . WOOT! You bring the cheese and I'll supply the (wa wa) whine.

There is no place like home!

Just a quick note to let you know we are home tonight safe and sound. Our house was spared but there were many who were not so lucky... my thoughts go out to the other people who are still evacuated to shelters and those who have lost their homes and possessions.

Around 12PM this afternoon, my family and I were standing on a cemetery hill top when the the heavens opened up and the rain poured down, drenching the earth and dousing the remaining fires that still were burning strong. What a surreal experience!

I would like to thank you all for all your wonderful, thoughtful, kind and loving words and prayers. I am so very grateful to be part of such a carrying community -- thank you, thank you all!

Now I am off to bed. I will catch up on all I have missed on your blogs this week just as soon as I get some Zzzzzz's.

We have been evacuated

We were evacuated from our home yesterday afternoon due to forest fires that have been burning out of control since Wednesday. Hopefully we will be able to go home in the AM. to check and see if we have a home to go back to... I'm wishing all who have been affected by this tragedy, Good Luck!

I will keep you posted as to when we will be able to check our home and post some fire photos as well.

Untitled

Today I am just going through the motions [sigh]. I usually thrive on routine; routine empowers me, it makes me feel like I'm in control somehow... but every now and again I feel like going against the grain, stepping outside my tidy little box. Have you ever felt that way?

Yesterday evening I snapped this photo through the viewfinder of my old pal Brownie. I added some layers and brushes to the shot - gives the photo a moody feel that almost represents my mood today.

Synchronicity or Coincidence?

In the past few day I have been having some 'coincidences/ synchronicity' in my life. I've been having some strange dreams about people from my past, then having them re-appear in my life. Yesterday I had a song in my head all day then having hubby come home singing that exact song. Last night I woke up from a nightmare where I was alone in a car that crashed through a guardrail, I was careening down and embankment towards a river. The radio was blaring the song "Goodbye Stranger "(... its been nice, Hope you find your paradise), the time on the radio display kept flashing 4:44. When I woke up, I went downstairs to get a drink and glanced at the computer monitor and the time was 4:44 -- kind of blows my mind! There were even a couple of 'coincidences' I have had regarding a few of you out there in blogland. These 'occurrences' over the past few days have really got me thinking...
Am I connecting dots were there aren't any or are they 'meaningful' coincidences??

Coincidence means two things happening simultaneously, in its definition implies that the two things happened by chance.

Synchronicity is a series of coincidences that seem to add up to something meaningful. It has to do with the odds of two or more events happening. And especially if they have a special relationship to the person experiencing them.

Synchronicity, by Carl Jung's definition, is two or more events that occur within a meaningful manner but are causally unrelated. The chance of these events occurring by random chance are very small.

Have you ever experienced synchronicity in your life? And if so, what are your most interesting experiences with it?

Some links I find interesting:
Synchronicity: How to Decode Life’s Secret Messages
Carl Jung Resources
The skeptic's Dictionary
Global Consciousness Project
Global Consciousness Project Video
The Police - Synchronicity I
The Police - Synchronicity II

Reader recommendations:
Only a Movie recommends What the Beep Do We Know!? Down the Rabbit Hole
crone51 recommends Rupert Sheldrake

PS. I added at poll over on my sidebar as part of my BIP. If you would take a moment to participate, I would appreciate it!